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Crazy Drivers

By Paul Michael
29th September, 2012


It seems that there are many crazy drivers about, and over many years of driving I’ve been able to allocate them into my own quirky categories. So, here we go for a light-hearted overview of my distinct crazy drivers…

The ‘I’m the Daddy’ Driver

It seems that there are drivers out there that have a firm belief as to how everyone should drive. If we don’t conform they will go out of their way to teach us a lesson. This includes doing downright dangerous acts that, if caught by the police, are likely to get them banned from driving.

Drivers in this category have no patience at all, and no tolerance of any mistakes other drivers may make. If you choose the wrong lane, they will not allow you into the correct one. If they see an obstacle up-front, they think only of themselves and will not let you out to overtake, but instead they will overtake you and the obstacle. If they think you have spent too much time in the middle lane of the motorway, they will teach you a lesson by overtaking in the inside lane – at high speed.  

They will cut you up when you least expect it, and if you happen to look in their direction, they will already have their fist waving at you in a threatening motion.

Statistically, BMWs are the star cars in this category. Nice cars but barmy drivers, even if they are The Daddy.

The Zig-Zagger

There is the driver who nips out and back into the inside lane after overtaking, making the asserted point that you MUST get back into the inside lane immediately. They proceed to do this zigzagging tactic while travelling at over 90mph, not really appreciating that hardly anyone gets driving penalties for being in the middle lane for too long, but plenty of drivers get banned for speeding.

The Space Thief

There you are travelling along at 50 with a whole load of other cars up-front, all on your way to or from work. You have a nice space in between you and the car in front, which driving instructors refer to as ‘a safe stopping distance’. Then, out of the blue, comes some moron driving a hot hatch that speeds past and robs the space. You are no longer at a safe stopping distance and so you have to slow down to stay safe. The hatchback proceeds to overtake whatever is possible up front and you forget all about him. You drive on for so many miles and, don’t you know, you get to a junction and draw level with the same idiot who, despite his speeding and annoying you and loads of other drivers, has not moved any further on than you.

In this category we see mostly hatchbacks like VWs, Corsas, Seats and Fiestas. The drivers quite often have a baseball cap on too, which hides the penis growing out of their heads.

The Pipe Sniffer

The back end of my car must be drop-dead attractive given the number of drivers who position their motors within a few feet behind me, regardless of what speed I am doing. So close that in my rear-view mirror I can often make out their facial features, what clothes they are wearing and, more often than not nowadays, how nice their jewellery looks. It is often so close that their air intake must be inhaling the fumes from my exhaust.

It tends to be mostly female drives in this category. Men sometimes drive too close, but the ladies, I have to say, are often closer still.

The Farmer

I live in the sticks and so I get to experience the farmer quite often. The farmer is the poor chap who is desperately trying to make ends meet and society therefore affords the farmer more hand-outs and cuts more slack than most other businesses. So it is therefore right and proper that the farmer should get in his tractor and drive onto a trunk road in the rush hour. This tractor has a top cruising speed of about 30mph on the level, 10mph up-hill, and causes major tale-backs, often more than a mile long when the road is busy.  You can be driving at just under 60mph around a sweeping corner and find that everything is at a stand-still, forcing an emergency stop. You trickle along for 10 to 15 minutes and then the traffic starts moving again, with no sign of what was holding everyone up to be seen. That’s because the farmer has turned off into a field somewhere. Business-wise, he’s got what he wants, but you are late for work!

Tractors are the common feature in this category. Also look out for the trailer, which is either a very smelly container with no indication of what is inside it if there were a spillage, or some amazingly dangerous apparatus used on fields, which on the road is more useful for decapitating an overtaking motor cyclist.

The Day-Tripper

We used to call them ‘Sunday drivers’. When you get behind the day-tripper, there is scant regard for consistency. One minute we’re travelling along nicely at 50mph, then they see something or they are looking out for something and we are down to 30mph, then 20, then back up to 50mph. It seems that while they are seeing all the wonderful things around them, the one thing they can’t see is you in their rear-view mirror. If they did, they might pull over and let you pass.

In this category we see cars, but there are an increasing number of mobile homes.

The Vintage Driver

Old people! Not your average old person though. I’m talking doddery old people. These are the people that seem to see lots of accidents. They sometimes have older cars that are in pristine condition, but many have newer cars. There is consistency in their driving – a constant 25mph on trunk roads. They will not budge. Regardless of the tale-backs, they remain at 25mph.

The Same-Speeder

These drivers have a knack of annoying you by driving at, say, 45mph on a 60mph straight, clear road, but of course you can’t overtake due to on-coming traffic. Like the vintage driver, their speed remains constant, albeit it faster. You then come upon a small village and the speed limit is set to 30mph, but your same-speeder just carries on at 45mph! At the other end of the village you speed up and, as there is now no-one in front, you get up to 50 to 60mph for a good while, until you get around the sweeping corner. There he is again, the same-speeder, doing 45mph all the way.





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